When
Parents Start Dating
In some families, a new adult relationship may have started before the separation,
or may begin in the early stages of separation and divorce. In others, a new
person may not enter the picture for months or years. Many single parents are
trying to keep up with the extra demands of parenting on their own, and have
little time or energy to spend on developing a new relationship. Some parents
don't want to start going out with someone new - they may feel insecure about
where to meet others and how to approach them, uncertain about their attractiveness,
and concerned that they might fail in another relationship. For others, dating
helps them adjust to divorce. It reaffirms their self-worth, reduces feelings
of loneliness, and helps them get on with their lives.
Whatever the circumstances, dating may trigger emotions that are similar for
both parents and children. They may be fearful of being hurt again, worry that
they may not be loved by the new person, and have concerns about how the new
person will fit into their lives. Parents can use this new situation as an opportunity
to talk about how adults - just like children - need peer interaction with people
their own age, and supportive relationships.
If the marriage ends after one parent leaves the relationship for another partner,
children may feel particularly betrayed and angry. Children in these families
will need plenty of opportunities to express their confusion and feelings - a
difficult task for a parent who may be experiencing similar emotions.
Children have mixed emotions about their parents' new relationships. Depending
upon their age, they may feel betrayal, jealousy, anger, confusion and even guilt.
For example, they may feel:
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that
the parent who is first to begin a new relationship
is betraying the other parent. The parent can explain
that people adjust differently, and that it is
time for him or her to meet and go out with new
people, even though the other parent may not be
ready to begin another relationship. |
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the
parent-child relationship doesn't give parents
the opportunity to do all the activities that adults
like to do. It's important to keep on reminding
children that friends and new partners do not replace
the love between a parent and a child. |
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their
parents may get back together again. No matter
how often parents have told children that getting
back together won't happen, many children continue
to hope, even after a second marriage |
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embarrassed
that parents have sexual feelings and a need for
affection. This is especially true for children
in their pre-teens and early teens. Parents should
explain that they, like other human beings, have
sexual feelings and that these are a natural part
of adult life. |
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they
have been abandoned again and experience a renewed
loss when parents spend time with another adult.
Finding extra time for the child while seeing a
new person is difficult, but important. |
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anger
at being forced by adults to make another adjustment.
How children act out this anger depends on their
developmental stage. Clear and sensitive communication
is the key to helping children cope with the adjustment. |
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anger
that parents have their own rules for sexual behaviour
and enforce what may seem like different rules
for their children. Teenagers are especially likely
to feel that while they have curfews or have to
date people their parents know and approve of,
their parents seem to follow a different standard.
Explain that there are two sets of rules - one
for adults and one for teenagers - and explain
why this is so. |
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anger
at the loss of privacy. Children need space they
can call their own. It is important that new partners
respect that space and treat children as individuals
in their own right. |
At
Russell Alexander, Family Lawyers our focus is exclusively
family law. To find out more about our services, we
invite you to contact
us or call the firm at 1.866.647.6335 |
