Parenting
During Separation and Divorce
Divorce can be a painful experience and parents
may find it difficult to respond to the needs of
their children, for extra emotional support and
attention.
To help your children cope with divorce, you need to learn to manage your own
feelings and new circumstances. Like many other parents in similar circumstances,
you can move forward and help your children move forward too.
Expectations
Divorce is not a single event, but a process that unfolds over time. It involves
a series of family changes and reorganizations that may take several years.
The events and emotions that accompany these changes cannot be dealt with overnight.
It takes time for everyone in the family to adapt.
Separation and divorce can be an emotional roller coaster. You may experience
feelings of anger, isolation, anxiety, euphoria, depression, guilt, loss of
control, fear, incompetence and insecurity. You may doubt your ability to deal
with the needs of your children because you also face pressing needs of your
own. Sometimes parents may feel that they have failed their children, and may
doubt their own worth. These emotions and difficulties are a natural part of
going through a separation and divorce.
Different
Challenges
The process of separation and divorce can be one of the most difficult experiences
in an adult's life - socially, emotionally and financially. Most parents are
ill-prepared for all of the challenges and adjustments they may face, including:
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Changing
homes, neighbourhoods and schools, which may lead
to a sense of instability and the loss of relationships
and support systems. |
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Economic
changes - two households cost more to maintain
than one. Some parents may face a sudden financial
crisis. |
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Difficulty
in concentrating on your job. Or you may immerse
yourself in work, especially if you are no longer
living with your children. |
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If
you are not living with your children, you may
feel cut off from their lives. |
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Increased
demands and responsibilities if you have the major
role in caring for the children. It may seem like
there are not enough hours in the day to spend
time with your children, and still find any time
for yourself. |
With
all the pressures of divorce parents are under even greater stress.
It is important for you to carve out some time to take care of
your own needs.
Schedule time for activities that help you get in touch with yourself,
whether through a hobby, physical activity or simply relaxing quietly.
Allow yourself occasions to break away from the momentum of "doing" and
simply "be" even for a few minutes to help you regain your balance.
It will give you a better sense of perspective and will help you stay on
top of the day-to-day stress of work, children, and the separation or divorce.
Help and Support
All of us need "emotional" support as well as "practical" support.
Family and friends, support groups, professionals, as well as other support
services in your community, can all help you adjust to the changes in your
life. Reach out for advice, encouragement and understanding to help reduce
tension and the feelings of isolation and depression that often go along with
separation and divorce.
By reaching out to other adults, you are teaching your children a very valuable
lesson in life: we all need help from time to time, and learning from - and
leaning on - others is an important part of living and growing.
Many parents rely on outside support at one time or another.
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Family
and Friends - Separated and divorced parents, especially
those who live with their children, are often so busy with
their child's day-to-day needs that they may neglect relationships
with close family members and friends. Yet these people are
the best allies you may have. They listen, give you a chance
to enjoy the company of other adults, and help you get organized.
They can become role models or sympathetic adults for your
children. Family and friends can offer something crucial
- compassion and understanding. Time alone with family and
friends can help you get used to a new lifestyle. |
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Health
Care Professionals - Your family doctor, your children's
paediatrician, or the staff at a community health centre
are an important resource when you or your children are experiencing
difficulties. They also can recommend other professionals
or services available in the community. |
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Support
Groups - Many community centres and organizations
offer support groups where people in the process of separation
or divorce can talk about their feelings and experiences.
Since parents often face similar problems, others in this
situation can be a source of great comfort and inspiration. |
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Professional
Counsellors - If depression, anger or loneliness
interfere with your work, home tasks or parenting, professional
counselling from social workers, counsellors, psychologists
or psychiatrists may help. If you are still considering ways
to stay together, talking to an experienced marriage counsellor
could be beneficial. A marriage counsellor can help you take
steps to resolve conflicts, remedy past grievances and improve
your relationship. |
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Family
Mediators - Family mediators can help parents resolve
their disputes and develop a co-parenting arrangement out
of court. |
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Community
Resources - There may be other resources in your
community to help with your family's physical, emotional
and social needs. |
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Family
Service Agencies - provide a range of services,
including family life counselling, educational programs,
family violence prevention and intervention, and credit counselling
and referrals. |
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Other
Organizations and Services - such as family and
youth-serving organizations, family resource programs, local
religious congregations and community information and referral
services can provide support, or help you find the help you
need. |
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Local
Libraries - have books, magazines, audio-visuals
and Internet access on a range of helpful topics. Ask the
librarian for assistance. |
Lawyers
The decisions that parents make during the process of separation and divorce
are important and have long-term consequences. Family law is complicated, and
everyone benefits from sound legal advice in this situation. There are a lot
of family lawyers in Canada who can inform you of your rights and responsibilities.
Parenting After Separation and Divorce
As separation and divorce is a process that can go on for several years, the
period following a formal separation involves many life changes and decisions
- and all of them have an impact on younger and older children. Fortunately,
there are many good books and resources available for parents and young people
on topics such as dating after divorce and remarriage, blended families and
step-parenting.
At Russell Alexander,
Family Lawyers our focus is exclusively family law. To find out
more about our services, we invite you to contact
us or call the firm at 1.866.647.6335 |
